It's (hopefully) funny, but also quite dark, and features prolific swearing, but if that doesn't put you off you're clearly bored enough to keep reading, so go on. Feel free to let me know what you think, even if you don't make it the whole way through.
“Yeah, but I didn’t steal them. I was just walking down High Street, you know, and then someone came out of the shop, it was this girl, she was like five foot tall, quite chubby, still fit though, and she was carrying this bag, like a handbag, and then she started running and these two guys came out, from security, and they were chasing her, so she suddenly lobbed them at me, and I didn’t even know what it was to be honest, but I caught them, and suddenly these guys were on me, and like they must have seen me catch them cos they were quite close, and one of them tried to deck me but he missed and then they pushed me over and ripped them off me, so I just lay there. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty fucking scary, cos I’ve never been in trouble before, and I didn’t want my mum to find out, cos she reckons my girlfriend’s been a bad influence on me and she ain’t, but its not like she believes that… So yeah, I didn’t do it, so like, I don’t even know why I’m here, do you know what I mean?”
The balding, tubby, broad faced cop looked across the table. For a minute he just stared blankly, with the dead expression of an insomniac watching late night television. Then his left eyebrow slowly curved itself and climbed his glistening forehead.
“That is literally bollocks.”
His junior partner just barely held back a snort, before almost instantly rearranging his facial features to the mirror image of a concern and responsibility. Kevin started to open his mouth, but the tubby cop interrupted.
“That is fecking ridiculous.” (He wasn’t Irish, but like many Englishmen he sometimes forgot that in tense situations.) “You went into the shop, you picked up the sweets, you shoved it in your pocket, you walked out...”
“…No but you didn’t see that girl…”
“That girl? Of course I didn’t see that girl! Noone outside of the chubby chaser porn you watched this morning before breakfast saw that fecking girl! You took the ipod…”
“No but they punched me, and that’s definitely not…”
“Punched you? They asked you to stop for a second and you told them you had a fecking gun.”
“Yeah but I didn’t.”
“And I honestly don’t know if that’s because you’re a liar or because you’re genuinely stupid enough to believe it.”